


I Can't Lose You

by detectivedeckerstar



Series: Detective Deckerstar's Missing Scenes [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Caring Chloe Decker, Deleted Scenes, Episode: s02e06 Monster, Gen, Hurt Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Lucifer (TV) Season/Series 02, Lucifer 2x06, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26694433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/detectivedeckerstar/pseuds/detectivedeckerstar
Summary: **Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide Attempt**(Nothing more than was in the show, just references to it and Chloe thinking about it)Chloe was worried.Lucifer was… strange, and he did a lot of weird things that she didn’t understand.But this… she had never seen him like this before.Sure he’d put himself in the line of fire before, and often had no regard for his own safety, but this time he’d been actively trying to get himself shot.She couldn’t get the look on Lucifer’s face out of her head.Imagined Missing/Deleted scene that takes place in Lucifer 2x06: Monster, between the scenes at the hospital where Lucifer tries to get himself shot and the scene where Chloe gets home and finds Maze and Trixie asleep on the couch. Chloe is worried about Lucifer and goes to the penthouse to check on him.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Detective Deckerstar's Missing Scenes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980109
Comments: 35
Kudos: 199





	I Can't Lose You

Chloe was worried.

Lucifer was… strange, and he did a lot of weird things that she didn’t understand.

But this… she had never seen him like this before.

Sure he’d put himself in the line of fire before, and often had no regard for his own safety, but this time he’d been _actively_ trying to get himself shot.

She was back at the precinct now, trying to focus on her paperwork since the shootout at the hospital, trying to get through the damn arrest report so she could go home and catch the tail end of Trixie’s trick-or-treating, or maybe watch a Halloween movie with her.

But she couldn’t get the look on Lucifer’s face out of her head.

“ _Shoot me! Shoot me right now please!_ ” he’d yelled.

“ _How do you know what I deserve?_ ” he’d spat.

“ _You can’t understand Detective, and you never will,_ ” he’d said brokenly.

Chloe put her head in her hands and let out a stressful sigh.

He could’ve _died_ today.

While the possibility of death was not foreign to them in their line of work, today he seemed to _want_ to die. Could you call what he did a suicide attempt? It wouldn’t have been at his own hand, but he purposefully put himself in the line of fire, where it was very likely that he would’ve been shot and was _asking_ the sniper to shoot him.

She had no idea what was going on with him. He wouldn’t say. Just evaded the truth like he normally did. He was pushing her away, pushing everyone away, acting out, and she didn’t know how to help.

“ _You can't understand, Detective, and you never will_.”

A shiver ran down Chloe’s back.

What if he tried again? What if he took measures into his own hands this time?

A paralyzing cold shot down Chloe’s spine and spread through her body as she thought about finding out her partner was dead.

Chloe shook herself out of her paralyzed state and reached for her mouse, saving her file before turning off her computer and stacking the folders on her desk.

Whatever she was in the middle of working on, ensuring Lucifer was okay was more important.

She rushed around her desk and up the precinct stairs, barely waving goodbye to Dan as she passed.

Chloe fumbled for her keys, unlocked her cruiser and got in. She started the car and pulled out of the precinct parking lot faster than she usually did.

She couldn’t help the pit of nerves and anxiousness that sat in her stomach, twisting itself into knots.

She shouldn’t have just left him there at the crime scene. She should’ve done something more when he was so clearly hurting.

In her defence, he wasn’t exactly being easy to deal with.

But he was her _partner_ for God’s sake. He’d saved her life only a day after meeting her, saved her ass on multiple occasions at work since then, and saved her and Trixie from Malcolm not that long ago.

The least she could do was be here for him when he was going through whatever was happening now. Even if he was trying to push her away.

She sped up a little, going a little more over the speed limit than she was comfortable with, but she needed to make sure he was okay.

Finally, she pulled up to Lux. It was Halloween, and there was no doubt some costume party going on tonight, based on all of the “sexy” costumes she saw people wearing, lined up around the corner, waiting to get into one of the top nightclubs in LA.

She pulled into the underground parking lot and was only mildly relieved to see Lucifer’s corvette still parked there. She rushed to the elevator and took herself up to the club floor. She could hear the music pounding, getting louder and louder as the elevator rose.

When the doors finally opened, she saw a packed club, with lights flashing and the pounding music filled her ears. Taking a deep breath, she nudged her way through the crowd, trying to get to the banister at the top of the stairs so she could get a better vantage point to look for Lucifer.

She got there, and after scanning the crowd for a few minutes, she didn’t see him. Normally, he was pretty easy to spot, his presence alone usually attracting the masses. She saw one of Lucifer’s employees passing by, one she recognized, and Chloe stepped forward to try to get her attention. She waitress smiled at Chloe in recognition and approached.

“Detective Decker!” the waitress; Emily, Chloe remembered, shouted over the music, “Can I get you a drink? On the house, as always.”

Chloe offered her a tight-lipped smile but shook her head.

“No, thank you though. I’m looking for Lucifer. Have you seen him tonight?” Chloe shouted back.

Emily shook her head in response.

“I haven’t. He hasn’t made an appearance yet tonight. Came in a few hours ago and went straight up to the penthouse, no one’s seen him since,” she answered.

Unfortunately, that only made Chloe worry more.

She quickly thanked Emily and made a beeline for the penthouse elevator. It arrived and she stepped in quickly, pressing the penthouse floor button and jabbing the close door button more times than was probably necessary.

Finally, the elevator started moving upwards, and Chloe’s breath started getting shorter. She was working herself into a panic, finding it harder and harder to breathe.

What if she was too late?

What if he’d already done something?

What if she walked in to find him dead on the ground?

As her brain came up with more what-if scenarios, she was so lost in her own thoughts that she was startled out of them by the chime of the elevator announcing her arrival at the penthouse.

The elevator doors opened to reveal Lucifer standing at the bar, downing a glass of alcohol.

Chloe let out a breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding.

She felt the adrenaline brought forth by panic leave her body, her brain washing over with relief upon confirmation that he was okay. Well not okay, but _alive_ at least.

“Detective?”

Chloe took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator.

Now that she was over her initial relief, she took in her surroundings.

The penthouse was a _mess_.

There were (mostly empty) bottles of alcohol everywhere, and broken glass in a few places too. A few pieces of clothing were tossed on the ground and the back on the couch and many didn’t look to be Lucifer’s.

“What are you doing here?” Lucifer asked, pulling Chloe out of her scan of the room.

She looked back at Lucifer and noticed he looked just as dishevelled, if not more than he had been earlier.

She cleared her throat.

“I- uh- I was worried about you. Wanted to come check on you,” she replied, taking another step into the penthouse.

She couldn’t be certain, but she was pretty sure she saw shock on Lucifer’s face, but it faded as quickly as it appeared, leaving her wondering if she actually saw it.

Lucifer’s face hardened and he took another rather large sip from his glass.

“Well, check officially complete, Detective, you can leave now,” he quipped rather harshly, not looking at her.

That stung.

He rarely spoke to her with such coldness in his voice. She took a deep breath, steeling herself. He was hurting and was trying to push her away, but she was not so easily moved.

“No,” she said simply but forcefully.

Lucifer whipped his gaze towards hers, his face still hard, but she saw the slightest hint of something else in his eyes.

_Desperation._

Chloe took another step forward.

 _Stay stay stay_ his eyes chanted.

So she did.

“Lucifer, I know you’re not okay,” she said, taking a few steps closer to him.

He stared at her, practically unmoving. He didn’t dare move. If he did, the walls he’d so desperately built up around himself would go crumbling down at the first movement.

His walls had never been much of a match for Chloe Decker.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, or why you won’t tell me what’s happening-” she started, and Lucifer looked like he was going to interrupt her, to tell her that she _couldn’t_ understand, but she continued on, stopping him before he could even start.

“-but,” she paused, raising her hand to stop him, “that shouldn’t matter. What matters is that you’re hurting, and you’re my partner, which means you don’t have to go through it alone,” she said.

Lucifer felt a single crack in the wall, and he scrambled to patch it up because he couldn’t- she won’t-

“I’m here for you, Lucifer. I mean it,” she said, gently placing her hand on his.

And with that, the walls came crashing down.

Lucifer suddenly felt the energy he’d been maintaining for the past few days escape him and he fell to his knees at her feet. Chloe scrambled to grab at his shoulders and head, hoping to lessen the impact of the fall. The sound of knees hitting the marble floor sounded painful enough that she felt a little sting in her own.

She held onto the back on his head and pulled him close, resting his head on her stomach. She threaded her fingers through his hair, and that was all it took for the floodgates to open.

Lucifer's arms came up and wrapped fiercely around her legs, and he began sobbing into her hip.

Chloe held onto him tightly as her heart broke for her partner.

She pulled him closer, her other hand rubbing soothing circles on his upper back.

Never in her life did she think she would hear Lucifer Morningstar sob.

Gone was the usual chipper and teasing mannerisms, instead replaced with the sounds of a broken and tormented man. Seeing him on his knees sobbing into her shirt confirmed that something was _seriously_ wrong, as if the events of today hadn’t already.

He clutched at her legs like his life depended on it. His whole body was shaking as sobs wracked his frame. She wasn’t sure how long she stood there rubbing his back and holding his head, but she would stay there as long as he needed.

* * *

Eventually, his sobs subsided.

He went slack in her arms like his whole body was overwhelmed with exhaustion. He probably hadn’t gotten much rest in the last few days if he was this torn up about whatever was going on, and a sudden burst of emotion can definitely leave someone feeling drained.

She continued to rub his back with her right hand, and as gently as she could, patted his shoulder a few times to get his attention.

“C’mon, let's get you to bed,” she said softly.

There was no quip or tease about getting her into his bed, and the only indication he gave that he had heard her was a shaky intake of breath.

She took her hand off of his head and brought it underneath his arm, ready to help him up whenever he was ready.

After a minute or two, he finally made a move to get up, and Chloe helped pull him up. When he finally stood in front of her, she tried to catch his eye, but he was very evidently avoiding her gaze. She decided to drop it and turned to direct him to the bedroom.

While he looked like he tried to walk on his own, he very quickly stumbled over something on the floor. Perhaps if he was completely sober and fully rested, he would have been aware enough to step over it no problem, but he was neither.

She rushed forward to his side and wrapped her arm around his waist, steadying him. Whether consciously or not, Lucifer leaned into her, and she supported some of his weight for the rest of the small walk to the stairs and up into the bedroom. She lowered him down into the bed as he collapsed into it, his face falling immediately into the pillow.

It was then she noticed the cuts on his hands. His palms were face up as he laid on the bed, and she could see a bunch of small cuts and smeared blood. Some of the cuts had a shiny glint to them, and she realized it was glass. Probably had to do with the broken glass all over the penthouse floor.

He seemed content where he was for the moment, so she stepped back from the bed with the intention of heading to the bathroom to get something to clean and bandage his hands.

She turned and looked at back at Lucifer before she disappeared behind the wall and was surprised to find Lucifer staring at her. His eyes were wide, and she recognized the look of desperation in his eyes, similar to the one she’d seen earlier. He thought she was leaving.

“Just going to grab some supplies,” she rushed to reassure, gesturing to his hands.

Lucifer looked down at his hands and seemed to notice the cuts for the first time. She gave him a small smile before continuing through to his bathroom.

She managed to find some disinfectant, bandages and tweezers in his bathroom (which was _massive_ , by the way). Gathering the supplies in her arms, she headed back out to the bedroom and found Lucifer in the same spot on the bed, except he was now on his back facing the ceiling.

His eyes moved to her as she entered the room and followed her to the bed, where she put down the supplies and then sat. Lucifer sat up and she put her hand out, gesturing for him to give her his hand so she could start working on it.

“Detective, you don’t hav-” he started, his voice quiet and small.

“Shush,” she silenced him, and extended her arm further, letting him know this was non-negotiable.

Eventually, he placed his hand in hers, face up, and she gently gripped the sides, pulling his hand closer to her. She inspected the hand and saw a few pieces of glass there.

Putting Lucifer’s hand down on her bent knee, she reached over to her pile of supplies, looking for the disinfectant and tweezers. She found them, cleaned the tweezers with a wipe, and got to work pulling the pieces of glass out of his cuts. There weren’t many, but enough that if left untouched it would get pretty painful in the next day or so from infection.

As she worked, she felt Lucifer’s eyes on her. She didn’t meet them, knowing he’d probably just look away the moment she did. So instead she just continued to focus on his hands.

He was being unusually quiet, which given the circumstances, made sense, but it was still so very strange to be in the presence of Lucifer Morningstar and not have him babbling her ear off.

When she was done with the right hand, she moved to his left and repeated the same process, extracting the glass and placing it on the wipe in her hand. Once she got all of the glass that she could see, she stood up and discarded the glass and now bloody wipe, before returning to the edge of the bed. She grabbed another wipe and grabbed Lucifer’s hand, bringing it up to rest on her knee once again.

“This might sting a little,” she warned, chancing a glance up at him.

He only gave a small nod in acknowledgment. She wiped the smudged blood away and disinfected the cuts, and the only indication Lucifer gave that he felt anything was the slight tense of his hand when she first brushed across his skin.

She continued to work in silence, carefully brushing against the small cuts, trying to be as gentle as she could. She was so focused on his hands that she almost missed when Lucifer spoke a few minutes later.

“My brother died,” he whispered.

Chloe’s hand slowed on Lucifer’s palm, and her stomach dropped.

“And it’s my fault he’s dead.”

Her eyes squeezed shut at the pain in his voice. It was so raw and so broken, the emotion behind it was overwhelming. Her heart ached for her partner.

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, but his head facing the corner of the room and his gaze looked far away.

“Amenadiel?” she asked, her voice gentle.

Lucifer shook his head no. He didn’t explain further. Another one of his brothers then. She’d heard him mention before that he had many siblings, although he never really talked about them. As far as she knew they weren’t close but losing a close family member… she knew all too well what that felt like.

She turned back to his hand and continued wiping at them, switching to his other hand to continue doing the same thing. She stayed silent for a few minutes, understanding that he probably didn’t want to hear that she was sorry and that it probably wasn’t his fault and that his brother was in a better place now. It certainly hadn’t brought her any peace or relief when people told her that. She took a deep breath.

“When my Dad died,” she began, “I blamed myself.”

She felt Lucifer’s gaze come back to her.

“He was killed at a robbery gone wrong. The only reason he was even at the shop was because of me. He was getting me a sandwich before he picked me up from acting class. If it wasn’t for me…” she explained but found herself unable to finish, getting a little choked up.

She took a steadying breath and continued to wipe at Lucifer’s hand.

“I spent a really long time thinking it was my fault he was killed, and even though a lot of time has passed, and I don’t really feel that way anymore… I think a part of me will always carry that guilt.”

Chloe blinked her eyes shut and tried to get her tears to go away. She was trying to help Lucifer with his loss here, not get caught up in her own.

She took another deep breath and raised her head, making eye contact with Lucifer. And for the first time since he’d broken down, he maintained it. His eyes were dark and unfathomable, and she saw a deep sadness and pain in them, but he also looked concerned. Concerned for her, she realized.

“Lucifer, I know from experience that there is nothing I can say that will make you magically not feel like it’s your fault. I don’t know the whole story of what happened with your brother, and I’m of course here if you want to talk about it, but I can tell you that when I finally did reach out and talk to someone about it, it did get easier. The therapist I saw really helped me, and I think Linda could really help you too,” Chloe explained empathetically.

“She seems very good at her job,” Chloe added with a small smile.

Her recently newfound friend did seem very good at her job. She’d seen both Lucifer and Maze develop vastly in the time that they’d been seeing her, despite the recent setback on Lucifer’s part.

Lucifer let out a breath and deflated. He closed his eyes and looked away again, but she knew she’d gotten through to him. She turned back to his hands and wiped off the last of the blood.

They returned to silence for the next few minutes as Chloe continued on Lucifer’s hands. While the cuts were small, they were all over his hand, so she just decided to put one whole bandage over his palm and wrap the cloth around his hand, securing it with the medical tape from the first aid kit.

She repeated the process on his other hand, and when she was done, she brought both of his hands up to her face to make sure she got all of the blood and covered all the cuts, then turned his hands over to make sure the tape was staying put.

“There,” she said, looking up at him, “that should be good. I think I got all of the glass out so they should start to feel better.”

She lowered his hands back down, but he did not pull back like she thought he would. Instead, he gave her hands a little squeeze.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion, and she knew he wasn’t just talking about for his hands.

She smiled a little and felt her cheeks burn at the intensity and sincerity of his gaze.

She squeezed his hands back gently, careful not to hurt him further.

“You’re welcome,” she replied.

They stared at each other for a moment longer, before Chloe looked down, breaking the eye contact. She let go of his hands to pick up the supplies of off his bed and discard the used disinfectant wipes. She returned the stuff to the bathroom and washed her hands before coming back out into Lucifer’s bedroom.

He was still sitting up, but now his feet were planted on the ground and his head was hung over in exhaustion. His head kept jerking up out of his hands as if he was nodding off and then waking himself up. She walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder, and he immediately became tense.

Worried she’d startled him, she was about to pull her hand away when she felt him relax and lean into her touch, his head falling forward against her stomach. She instinctively brought her hand up to his head and held onto the back of it, threading her hands in his hair, in a very similar position to earlier.

Suddenly overcome with emotion, she spoke up.

“Lucifer?” she started.

He stilled against her.

“Please don’t do that again,” she whispered.

Lucifer pulled back and looked up at her, not understanding what she meant.

“I can’t lose you,” she whispered again, her voice breaking.

She felt tears welling up in her eyes.

He was her partner. Her friend. Honestly, probably her best friend. Someone she could let her guard down with, someone who she could be vulnerable around. Someone who always had her back and trusted her instincts. Someone who, no matter how annoying or inappropriate he could be, brightened up a room when he walked into it, much the same way he’d brightened her life when he sauntered into it with his 3-piece suit and coy suggestive remarks.

She couldn’t lose him.

“You won’t,” he replied, his voice strong.

His eyes bore into her, and his intention was clear. He was making a promise. A promise that she wouldn’t lose him. And Lucifer didn’t break his promises.

Chloe nodded and pulled him back to her, wrapping her arms fiercely around his shoulders. They stayed like that for a few minutes before she pulled away.

“Ok ok,” she said, wiping the few tears that had fallen on her cheeks, “you should get some sleep.”

He nodded and got up heading down the hall, presumably to get changed out of his clothes and ready for bed.

Chloe took a deep breath and settled herself, wandering back down the stairs and into the living room. Chloe noticed the glass (and a little bit of blood) that sat on the bar top, likely where Lucifer had cut his hands. She went behind the bar, looking for something to clean up the mess with.

All she could find was a garbage can and a roll of paper towels. She tore off a few pieces of paper towel, and folded them over a few times, and then swiped the bloody shards of glass into the garbage can, careful not to touch any shards of glass or blood.

“Detective, please, there’s no need to risk getting hurt on my account, I’ll have someone come by tomorrow to take care of it,” Lucifer said from the stairs, interrupting her in her focused state.

Chloe looked up and saw him in his robe and pyjama pants, leaning against his ancient-looking walls.

Chloe nodded and put the paper towel currently in her hand into the trash can and set it down back behind the bar. Lucifer came down the stairs, this time being watchful of where he was stepping and grabbed his half finished drink from the bar top and took a sip.

“Would you like one?” Lucifer asked, gesturing to his drink.

Chloe gave him a polite smile and shook her head.

“That’s alright, I need to drive home tonight. Maze took Trixie trick-or-treating since I was stuck at work and I need to make sure Trixie gets to bed without too much candy. If she hasn’t eaten her entire bag already,” Chloe responded.

Lucifer gave her an amused look as he put his drink down.

“You let hell’s greatest torturer take your offspring to get candy from strangers?” he chuckled, “she’s probably got enough to feed a small hoard of demons,” he said and finished the last of his drink.

And he was back to his crazy devil metaphors. She supposed it was reassuring because it meant he was feeling okay enough to say such stuff.

Chloe just huffed a laugh and rolled her eyes. Yeah, Maze was pretty intimidating, maybe she’d have to steal some of her daughters’ candy to prevent her from having a sugar overdose.

An awkward, weighted silence fell over the room, and neither of them really knew what to say.

At last, Lucifer finally broke the tension.

“Well, I suppose you should go rescue the child from Maze’s clutches then,” he said, moving to put his glass in the sink at the wet bar.

“Uh- yeah, yeah I should,” she responded, feeling around her pockets for her keys.

“See you tomorrow at the precinct?” she said, her keys in hand, ready to head for the elevator.

Lucifer inhaled and nodded.

“Ah, yes, although I might be a little late,” he replied, and Chloe tilted her head in confusion.

“Doctor Linda had an opening tomorrow morning,” Lucifer supplied, looking down a little sheepishly.

Chloe smiled.

“See you when you get there then,” she said and turned to push the button to summon the elevator.

“Goodnight Lucifer,” she said as the doors opened.

“Goodnight Detective… and thank you… for- for checking on me,” Lucifer stumbled out.

“Of course,” Chloe replied, giving Lucifer one last smile before stepping into the elevator.

* * *

When she got home that evening, she did indeed find enough candy to ‘feed a small hoard of demons’ as Lucifer so eloquently put. However, she did not have any trouble putting her daughter to bed, as it seemed she had fallen asleep cuddled up to Maze on the couch. Chloe put a blanket over the both of them, and snapped a quick picture of the pair, before heading up to bed herself.

Chloe was able to fall asleep with little trouble, knowing her daughter and her best friend were safe and okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think Chloe ever actually found out that Lucifer's brother died (correct me if I'm wrong), even at this point in season 5, so this scene wouldn't have actually happened, but I desired to see it brought to life, so I wrote it myself!  
> Chloe definitely doesn't know about Lucifer being to the one to kill him tho and why he did it. I have a strong feeling (and hope) that she'll find out in 5b, especially with God being here now. Like it would make sense for Uriel to get brought up by someone (Michael, God, other siblings that could show up, etc.) and I can only imagine it's gonna be angsty as hell. The angst gives me life but I definitely need fluff to heal me after it, and I'm hoping we get alottttt of fluff in the upcoming seasons.  
> Anyway, I'd love to hear what you thought of this! Please let me know in the comments down below! I love hearing from you guys about what I write to see what you guys responded to or liked the most!


End file.
